One of the things many of us say after becoming parents is some version of, “I used to be able to do this.” Although at first it can seem like a loss of intelligence, creativity, capability or ambition, what many of us are actually experiencing is the loss of ways of functioning that aligned with how our brains naturally work.
Before children we had more spaciousness in our lives. There was more flexibility, more uninterrupted time and more opportunity to work with our nervous systems rather than against them. We could follow interest, think deeply, let ideas build over time and wait for the moment when motivation, urgency or momentum finally clicked into place. Once it did, many of us were able to focus intensely and perform at a very high level. This looked like competence, productivity, success, or high achievement. Internally it was usually a very specific neurological rhythm that depended on enough spaciousness, flexibility and autonomy to function well.
For many ADHD adults, productivity does not happen in a slow, steady, evenly paced way, even though that is often the standard we compare ourselves against. Instead, motivation and focus are frequently tied to interest, novelty, emotional engagement, urgency and momentum. Many of us need time to mentally “warm up” before we can fully enter a task. During that period, we may appear distracted, avoidant, inconsistent or unmotivated from the outside, while internally the brain is searching for enough stimulation or activation for focus to lock in.
Once that activation occurs, we are capable of entering states of intense concentration and productivity. We may work rapidly, think creatively, problem-solve intuitively and complete enormous amounts in a relatively short period of time. Over time, a familiar rhythm develops: difficulty initiating, growing internal pressure, eventual activation through urgency or interest, hyperfocus, completion, exhaustion, recovery and then repeating the cycle again. While stressful at times, this pattern worked reasonably well before children because there was enough flexibility in the environment to support it. We may have had opportunities to recover after periods of intense work, follow inspiration when it emerged, sleep in after a late night or structure tasks around when focus naturally appeared rather than forcing it on demand.
There is often a genuine sense of joy, aliveness and engagement in these states of deep activation and focus. Many of us feel most creative, capable, mentally clear and connected to ourselves when we are immersed in something that fully captures our attention. Hyperfocus can feel regulating, energizing, satisfying and deeply meaningful.
When parenthood and chronic interruption make it increasingly difficult to access these states, we can begin to feel disconnected from parts of ourselves that once felt vibrant, intelligent, creative, competent and deeply engaged with life. This can create grief, frustration, self-doubt, and the painful feeling that we no longer fully recognize ourselves cognitively or emotionally.
For many Autistic adults, the pattern can look somewhat different. Productivity and regulation are often deeply connected to monotropism, which is the tendency to focus intensely on a smaller number of attentional channels at one time. Rather than rapidly switching between tasks, we function best when we are able to immerse ourselves deeply into a particular area of thought, interest, task or process without interruption. This deep attentional focus is often regulating for the nervous system. Predictability, continuity and cognitive immersion can create a sense of coherence, internal stability and calm. When we are able to stay within these deeper states of focus, we can experience greater mental clarity, emotional regulation, creativity and connection to ourselves.
Before parenting, many Autistic adults unknowingly built lives around protecting these conditions. We may have worked in long uninterrupted stretches, organized our environment carefully, followed predictable routines or devoted substantial mental energy to a small number of meaningful priorities. This often allowed us to produce highly detailed, thoughtful, creative or intellectually complex work. We may have appeared exceptionally focused or disciplined, while internally our nervous systems relied heavily on depth, continuity and reduced fragmentation.
For those of us who are AuDHD there is often a complicated interplay between both systems happening simultaneously. The ADHD side of the nervous system may crave stimulation, novelty, urgency, movement and activation, while the Autistic side may depend on predictability, depth, continuity and sustained immersion. We unconsciously build our lives around managing this tension. We may alternate between periods of intense hyperfocus and withdrawal, stimulation and solitude, productivity and recovery. Even if exhausting at times, the system often holds together because there is still enough autonomy over our time, energy and environment to maintain some form of balance.
When these systems are supported well, many of us experience incredible creativity, innovation, depth of thinking, passion, curiosity, intuition and the ability to connect ideas in highly original ways. We may be capable of both expansive thinking and deep immersion, bringing intensity, insight, energy and complexity into the things we care about. There can be joy in the movement between stimulation and focus, exploration and immersion, creativity and reflection.
When this balance is disrupted we can begin to feel both understimulated and overwhelmed at the same time. We may crave engagement and activation while simultaneously feeling depleted by too much input, interruption, unpredictability or demand. This can create a constant push-pull within the nervous system where neither side feels fully supported. Over time, this often leads to mental exhaustion, emotional dysregulation, difficulty accessing focus, increased sensory overwhelm, shutdown, burnout or the feeling that we can never fully settle into ourselves.
Then parenthood enters the picture, and suddenly many of the supports that once allowed our nervous systems to function well begin disappearing. Parenting introduces constant interruptions, role-switching, emotional labour, sensory demands, unpredictability, multitasking and significantly less recovery time. Even when there is technically time available, it may not be the kind of time the neurodivergent brain requires in order to access deep focus. We may finally sit down to work only to remain mentally fragmented because part of the brain is still tracking household responsibilities, anticipating interruptions, monitoring emotional needs, recovering from sensory overload or holding dozens of unfinished cognitive loops open simultaneously.
For the ADHD nervous system, this can feel particularly dysregulating because there is rarely enough uninterrupted runway for momentum or hyperfocus to build fully before attention must shift again. Just as activation begins to happen, there is another interruption, another need, another transition. The brain becomes trapped in repeated cycles of initiation without completion, which can feel mentally exhausting and emotionally discouraging over time.
For the Autistic nervous system, the ongoing fragmentation can feel equally overwhelming. Parenting is often built around rapid shifts in attention, competing sensory input, unpredictability, noise, touch, emotional monitoring and unfinished tasks. The deep attentional immersion that once supported regulation and cognitive clarity becomes increasingly difficult to access. Many of us feel as though we can never fully “settle into” our own mind anymore because attention is continually being pulled outward before it has had the opportunity to fully organize internally.
For AuDHD parents, both systems are often being disrupted simultaneously. The ADHD side struggles with insufficient activation and chronic interruption, while the Autistic side struggles with fragmentation, unpredictability and the loss of sustained focus. We end up feeling mentally crowded, emotionally depleted, overstimulated, unable to recover fully and disconnected from the version of ourselves who once felt intellectually engaged, creative, focused and deeply capable.
What often becomes painful is that we continue comparing ourselves to earlier versions of ourselves without fully recognizing how dramatically the context has changed. We remember being capable of producing, managing, creating, focusing and performing at a high level, and we interpret the current struggle through that earlier lens rather than through the realities of our current environment. This can create enormous internal pressure, particularly for those of us who already carry longstanding beliefs about needing to be dependable, productive, competent, emotionally regulated or “on top of things” at all times.
At the same time, the invisible cognitive and emotional load many neurodivergent parents carry is rarely acknowledged fully. Beyond the practical tasks of parenting and working, there is often continuous mental switching, emotional monitoring, masking, sensory filtering, unfinished cognitive loops, decision fatigue and the pressure of trying to stay regulated while caring for everyone else. We are functioning while profoundly overloaded, and because we are so accustomed to pushing ourselves, the strain may not become visible until burnout, shutdown, anxiety, irritability, chronic exhaustion or relational distress begin surfacing.
Many of us continue trying to force ourselves back into old patterns of functioning that were developed under completely different life conditions. What helps is learning what our nervous systems need now in order to feel more supported, regulated and sustainable. For ADHD individuals, this may involve externalizing motivation rather than relying entirely on internal activation. We can benefit from body doubling, shorter work periods, visual systems, movement, novelty, accountability or reducing the amount of cognitive effort required to begin tasks. It may also mean recognizing how much energy constant interruption and task-switching consume and protecting recovery time more intentionally.