Wired Differently, Loving Deeply: Bids and Responsiveness in Neurodivergent Partnerships
By Michelle Labine, PhD
July 2025
In every relationship, there’s a rhythm between reaching and responding, a dance of connection that unfolds in small, everyday moments. Psychologist John Gottman calls these moments bids for connection and his research shows that how we respond to them is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Sometimes one partner becomes the initiator, the one making most of the bids, while the other rarely sparks the moment. If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I the only one trying?” this dynamic may feel familiar.
He is reliable and consistent; the kind of partner who shows up in dependable ways. Early in the relationship, that felt grounding and safe. But over time, that same predictability can begin to feel like stagnation when he rarely initiates intimacy, deeper conversations, or romantic gestures. He is present but he is not reaching.
When that happens, the partner who initiates often begins telling themselves a painful story:
If he really loved me, he’d make the effort.
If I mattered, he would reach for me first.
If I’m always the one making the bids, maybe I’m the only one keeping this relationship alive.
These stories are easy to believe especially when someone feels exhausted or unseen. But the heart of the issue is not always who initiates, it’s how partners respond.
A bid is any attempt to connect. Sometimes bids are obvious “Can we talk?” or “Want to go out tonight?” Other times they are subtle: a sigh, a joke, a shared glance, a light touch, or an invitation to sit together. These small moments are ways of saying, I’m here. Will you meet me?
In long-term relationships, responsiveness often matters more than initiation. Even if one partner tends to initiate more often connection still grows when those bids are met with warmth, curiosity, and presence.
For neurodivergent couples, or couples with different communication styles, bids can easily be missed. Differences in sensory processing, emotional regulation, communication patterns, or social expectations can influence how bids are expressed and understood. A gesture meant as connection may not register the same way for the other partner.
When bids go unnoticed or unanswered, the initiator can begin to feel lonely. Over time, this can lead to resentment or the belief that they are carrying the emotional weight of the relationship.
The goal isn’t perfect symmetry. It’s responsiveness, the ability to turn toward each other when one partner reaches.
Couples can strengthen this rhythm by talking openly about how they express connection, staying curious instead of assuming rejection, and repairing moments when bids are missed. Expanding the definition of intimacy can also help. For some couples, connection may show up not only through conversation or romance, but through shared routines, quiet presence, or acts of care.
Sometimes the real challenge is the story we begin to tell ourselves.
If he loved me, he would…
If I mattered, I wouldn’t have to ask…
These narratives can quickly attach meaning to behaviours that may have more to do with differences in style than differences in love.
One partner may express care through emotional expression and initiation. The other may show love through consistency, reliability, and presence.
Neither is inherently wrong they are simply different rhythms.
When couples recognize this, the dynamic can begin to shift. Instead of feeling like one person is performing while the other watches, the relationship can start to feel more like a dance where one partner may begin the movement, but both partners participate in keeping it alive.
Reflective Questions for Couples
- What kinds of bids do you tend to make toward your partner?
- What bids does your partner offer, even if they look different than yours?
- How do you typically respond to each other’s bids?
- What forms of care or effort might you be overlooking in your partner?
- How could appreciation shift the rhythm between you?